we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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