I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
