ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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