you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
