you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We need to get me chipped asap
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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