Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
