Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
