He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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