just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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