I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
