why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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