he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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