my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
