where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
