i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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