Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
