Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
