you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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