I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
