we made out on top of his cat.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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