i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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