No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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