So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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