Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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