He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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