did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
