I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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