i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
