There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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