I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
