The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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