the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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