so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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