i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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