I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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