im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
