I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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