I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
