kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
