I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Randomize
