You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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