i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
