last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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