needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
