hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
