I can text with my tongue
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
