remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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