Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have demons in me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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