Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
