Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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