Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
