im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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