i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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