she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
