I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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