it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
