By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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