I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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